Thank you very much, madam speaker, members of Congress, ladies and gentlemen.
You know Mount Rushmore, I was there as a kid, and I remember thinking, are there Americans really that big? Now I say, do you have any that size left? We could surely use them in our struggle.
Disneyland, Mall of America, The Vegas Strip, Hollywood, Times Square, Wall Street… We want the same values for our people.
Remember Pearl Harbor, September 11th, tragic, unforeseeable events… that have not the tiniest shrapnel of similitude to the present crisis, as even a joker like myself could have seen this geopolitical and humanitarian disaster coming, given the reckless, hardball game we have played with Russia, and given the years long poking of Mother Russia’s baby bears of Donetsk and Luhansk.
Still. I have a dream, that your young black men and young white men, will one day soon lay in terrible agony on the battlefield of brotherhood, their red blood streaming and pooling together in a final gest of unity, all flesh perishing as one, giving up ghosts that will sadly, never make it to heaven should you decline to impose a no-fly zone to clear the skies darkened with Russian planes.
I have a need today. I need you to do more to make war, like me in my camo green t-shirt that I picked up at an army surplus store in Warsaw. I am showing my guns. Now I need you to show yours.
I need you to do more to make war, as I do my all to hunker down and steadfastly ignore the obvious and selfless choice, that is, to capitulate in order to prevent a worsening of the already horrendous human rights catastrophe. On that note, my age stopped when the Israelis suggested I surrender to Putin.
Oh American people, what better way to let your mask down and let off some steam, after these long, gruesome years of COVID, than to step outside the comforts of your country, don gas mask, hastily learn how to handle, service and fire an AK-47 or a Javelin shoulder fired missile and fight the hotly anticipated World War 3? And if you know nothing about the first two, then at least remember Call of Duty. It will serve you well.
This is your chance to be history.
So. Mr. Leader of the world, please bring your brand of hauntingly peaceful desolation to Ukraine, like you have done in Syria, Libya, or Afghanistan, to only name a few of your greatest hits.
Come fight now and I’ll even throw in a free comedy routine at a USO show. I do a pretty good Franz Ferdinand impression.
Glory to their music.